HOMUNCULUS . .

Our little Tilly when she was four.  She was perfect but miniature in statue

 homunculus ho·mun·cu·lus (hō-mŭng'kyə-ləs, hə-)

n. pl. ho·mun·cu·li (-lī')

1. A diminutive human.
2. A miniature, fully formed individual which adherents of the early biological theory of pre-formation believed to be present in the sperm cell.  From Dictionary.com

Matilda was born Four and a half pound in weight and she was barely 17 inches long.  She was very very tiny.  She was strong at birth in spite of her tiny size.  She did not have to suffer the Humidicrib and be away from her Mumma because of this inner strength she came with.

We kept her close as close could be.  I knew this was what she needed to survive what she had come through.  She had been marked by her fathers extra marital affair .. the situation where both of us were forced to live through hell together and survive. 

Matilda and I were one during that time and she had to survive this most disgusting act.  One which I should have run away from right there and then, but did I?  No, obviously not.  Now I live with the results of my past decisions ,but sadly her father doesn't.

It was his will that almost killed our child before she was born.  Felicity Norman Elliot would be my witness to this truth.

Images @ Eminpee Fotography

Three days to go and Matilda will be 22 years old.

This is an image of her when she was four years old.  So absolutely adorable.  How could anyone not love her.  She had the most defiant little temper though.

Matilda Sunshine Katherine Baldwin

This is my way of celebrating her birthday,  I have no physical contact with Matilda, she denies my existence. 

This hurts but it is alright with me if this is what she really feels she has to do in her life.  In the mean time, I will prepare for her birthday.

I will make a fabulous cake this year to celebrate it.  For  2013 it will have to be the Amy Johnson Cake with extra trimmings.  

We will have a special dinner and place a setting for Matilda.   We will sing her happy birthday's to the Universe with candles.

The universe knows how much I care.   This all may be a little out there, but it helps me.  The world cannot stop me from being the mother I was destined to be, no matter what.  

I toughen up a little more each day in order to let it slide off of me like water on a greasy ducks back in order for me to live my life. 

I don't understand everything, I probably will never really understand this.  I am not sure I have to

Images @ Eminpee Fotography

First release all past thought patterns and repressed emotions from our cellular memory.

 We need to do this to change our old restricted thought patterns, so that we can manifest our goals and desires faster.  Mihael Simic
 

 

 Clearing the negative energy blockages from my system helps me to fully open up to receive new vibrant energy which replenishes and heals my physical, mental and emotional system from all past victimization's, guilt and anger.  There are only two emotions available and that is Fear and Love. 

Everything comes from those two alone.  Because of the inflictions by others I have lived primarily in a place of fear to protect my self.  I have been over hyper vigilant and there is time now for this to cease.  It is time to let go and let this all take place just as it should.  Spirit will find spirit and I must rest easy in  the knowledge of this simplicity of nature.

Montana's visit was pretty good really but it is clear to see that I am still caught up in some old fear patterns.  It was good to be able to talk to John though and communicate like he was a human being again.  He is the father of my children and really that is all that concerns me.  I am always feeling a level of concern.  This is what has to change. It is all in perfect timing and its all what needs to be.  Just let love be love and spirit be spirit.

PS Happiness is the name I called Jesse when he was inside of my belly,  I didn't know if he was a boy or a girl and so his name was just happiness.  He was referred to as this from almost the beginning.

Images @ Melonpopzdropz Flickr

“I can be changed by what happens to me. but i refuse to be reduced by it.”

Maya Angelou

Raindrop on the cactus with Bricee's reflection.

But how it changes me is the part that is up to me.  I can let it drive me to do the things that any child would be proud of their mother doing.

I go out before dawn and photograph, I edit and I write and I cook and clean and I study.  I  love deeply and have a huge passion for music.  Because of this I have a radio show where I am a radio programmer and its a drive time show called Melonpop Drive.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Mel%C3%B8nP%C3%B8P-Drive-2bbb-with-djs-MezzA-n-M%C3%B8nSta%D0%AF-Est2009/168764609851231

I have a wonderful garden and many successes with lots of experimentation with plant cuttings.  We have two pets and we are absolutely responsible pet owners.  I dance.  I create and I still make the  best cakes going.   I also make many other things really well as well.  I am now very independent.  I enjoy my day's.

I also miss my children every day.  Whether or not they speak to me makes no difference from the beginning when Matilda went away in 2005.  That is such a long time ago for a daughter to not talk to her mother.  What did I do?  Why does she see me this way?  These are the questions that I ask the universe to provide the answers to.  The universe knows.

Jesse isn't talking to me for a different reason and there is no connection with the two situations.  For me however there is a mighty connection.  I cannot talk to my children and this always pains my heart greatly.  Montana said she cannot understand it and she is so hurt also for us all.

Universe please shed light into the darkness because where there is light then darkness flees immediately.  I want light shed onto all of these situations and I want vindication from all of these major misunderstandings that have occurred some because of other people  that is well evident.   Mary Peters

Image by Mezza - A droplet of water with Brice's image in the water.

"Matilda Mother"

.."Matilda Mother" is a song by British psychedelic rock band Pink Floyd, and is featured on their debut album, The Piper at the Gates of Dawn (1967).
 

Written by Syd Barrett, the song is sung mostly by Richard Wright with Barrett joining in on choruses and singing the whole last verse.

 The lyrics quote fragments of fairy tales as read from a book to the singer by his mother ("read the scribbly black", referring to writing in a book as a child sees it), and in the chorus he implores her to "tell me more". Some critics argue that "Matilda Mother" represents a common theme in Barrett's work: his nostalgia for childhood and awareness that it could not be regained

 Barrett originally wrote the song around verses from Hilaire Belloc's Cautionary Tales, in which a series of naughty children, including Matilda, receive their (often gruesome) comeuppance. He was forced to rewrite and re-record the track when Belloc's estate unexpectedly denied permission to use these lyrics.

I feel like the Piper at the Gates of Dawn when I walk onto that wooden footbridge and it is still dark.  I begin my journey towards the sun.  The reason why I photograph the suns rising.  Every day that the sun rises should be celebrated and I celebrate the fact that I am a Matilda Mother.. I am also a Montana Mother and a Jesse Mother but in this instance I am reminded of the talk of the planets in the beginning of the Album that the song Matilda Mother is featured on.  What an awesome album released in 1967 and what an awesome dawn today was released in 2012.
 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matilda_Mother#cite_note-2


Image by Mezza - Dawn over the rivers in Urunga 2012

"Matilda Mother"

.."Matilda Mother" is a song by British psychedelic rock band Pink Floyd, and is featured on their debut album, The Piper at the Gates of Dawn (1967).
 

Written by Syd Barrett, the song is sung mostly by Richard Wright with Barrett joining in on choruses and singing the whole last verse.

 The lyrics quote fragments of fairy tales as read from a book to the singer by his mother ("read the scribbly black", referring to writing in a book as a child sees it), and in the chorus he implores her to "tell me more". Some critics argue that "Matilda Mother" represents a common theme in Barrett's work: his nostalgia for childhood and awareness that it could not be regained

 Barrett originally wrote the song around verses from Hilaire Belloc's Cautionary Tales, in which a series of naughty children, including Matilda, receive their (often gruesome) comeuppance. He was forced to rewrite and re-record the track when Belloc's estate unexpectedly denied permission to use these lyrics.

I feel like the Piper at the Gates of Dawn when I walk onto that wooden footbridge and it is still dark.  I begin my journey towards the sun.  The reason why I photograph the suns rising.  Every day that the sun rises should be celebrated and I celebrate the fact that I am a Matilda Mother.. I am also a Montana Mother and a Jesse Mother but in this instance I am reminded of the talk of the planets in the beginning of the Album that the song Matilda Mother is featured on.  What an awesome album released in 1967 and what an awesome dawn today was released in 2012.
 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matilda_Mother#cite_note-2


Image by Mezza - Dawn over the rivers in Urunga 2012