Cleaning out my Closet

A windmill continually turns and turns and turns.

This song has a long history for me and I have loved it since I first heard this when it was released.   "Cleanin' Out My Closet" is a song by American rapper Eminem from his fourth studio album The Eminem Show (2002).

"Cleanin' Out My Closet" was the second single released off the album.  It talks about childhood relationships with his mother Debbie Mathers.  

It reminded me of my childhood where violence was used endlessly on my body and I was made to feel guilty for walking or even breathing.  I felt guilty about my birth parents for as long as I can remember.  Guilt and shame.  There is no reason for this.  It was the crazy willful thoughts and actions of someone who was well out of their depth with child rearing capabilities (well meaning relatives with zero skill).

I was made to feel this same similar guilt for ever listening to Eminem songs by my children's father who created situations where my son and I would have to hide to listen to his magical raps.  Years later on pondering this, I realize  I decided well when I decided I did not want him to come home ever again.  There was more for me in life in my quest for victory over my circumstances.

With the release of The Marshall Mathers LP 2 in 2013, Eminem apologized to his mother on the track "Headlights". He stated (among other things such as wrongfully mocking her drug problem, regretting that he never let his daughters meet their grandmother) that he cringes when he hears "Cleanin' Out My Closet" on the radio, and that he does not play the song in concert any more.

This song is my middle daughters anthem for hating on her mother.  Pity she didn't work out why Marshall forgave his mother. Progress goes on. The individual must grow and build and repair.

 

Cleaning out my Closet

Where's my snare?
I have no snare in my headphones
there you go
Yeah
yo, yo

Have you ever been hated or discriminated against?
I have, I've been protested and demonstrated against
Picket signs for my wicked rhymes, look at the times
Sick as the mind of the motherfucking kid that's behind
All this commotion emotions run deep as ocean's exploding
Tempers flaring from parents just blow 'em off and keep going
Not taking nothing from no one give 'em hell long as I'm breathing
Keep kicking ass in the morning and taking names in the evening
Leave 'em with a taste as sour as vinegar in they mouth
See they can trigger me, but they'll never figure me out
Look at me now, I bet ya probably sick of me now ain't you momma?
I'mma make you look so ridiculous now

I'm sorry momma!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry, but tonight
I'm cleaning out my closet (one more time)
I said I'm sorry momma!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry, but tonight
I'm cleaning out my closet

Ha! I got some skeletons in my closet
And I don't know if no one knows it
So before they thrown me inside my coffin and close it
I'mma expose it, I'll take you back to '73
Before I ever had a multi-platinum selling CD
I was a baby, maybe I was just a couple of months
My faggot father must have had his panties up in a bunch
'Cause he split, I wonder if he even kissed me goodbye
No I don't. On second thought I just fucking wished he would die
I look at Hailie, and I couldn't picture leaving her side
Even if I hated Kim, I grit my teeth and I'd try
To make it work with her at least for Hailie's sake
I maybe made some mistakes, but I'm only human
but I'm man enough to face them today
What I did was stupid, no doubt it was dumb
But the smartest shit I did was take the bullets outta that gun
'Cause I'da killed him, shit I would've shot Kim and him both
It's my life, I'd like to welcome y'all to "The Eminem Show"

I'm sorry momma!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry, but tonight
I'm cleaning out my closet (one more time)
I said I'm sorry momma!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry, but tonight
I'm cleaning out my closet

Now I would never diss my own momma just to get recognition
Take a second to listen for who you think this record is dissing
But put yourself in my position, just try to envision
Witnessing your momma popping prescription pills in the kitchen
Bitching that someone's always going through her purse and shit's missing
Going through public housing systems, victim of Munchhausen's Syndrome
My whole life I was made to believe I was sick when I wasn't
'Til I grew up, now I blew up, it makes you sick to ya stomach
Doesn't it? Wasn't it the reason you made that CD for me Ma?
So you could try to justify the way you treated me Ma?
But guess what? You're getting older now and it's cold when you're lonely
And Nathan's growing up so quick he's gonna know that you're phony
And Hailie's getting so big now, you should see her, she's beautiful
But you'll never see her, she won't even be at your funeral!
See what hurts me the most is you won't admit you was wrong
Bitch do your song, keep telling yourself that you was a mom!
But how dare you try to take what you didn't help me to get
You selfish bitch, I hope you fucking burn in hell for this shit
Remember when Ronnie died and you said you wished it was me?
Well guess what, I am dead, dead to you as can be!

I'm sorry momma!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry, but tonight
I'm cleaning out my closet (one more time)
I said I'm sorry momma!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry, but tonight
I'm cleaning out my closet.  

Images @ Eminpee Fotography

Huna - A bit more on Ho'Oponopono

 

 Huna is akin to all other ancient teachings and is the ancient teaching of the land of Hawaii.  It was originally called Ho'omana, which is to make "Mana", or  is life force energy.   The word H'oo means to make.   The word "Mana" means life force energy.   This equates to Ki (as in Aikido), Chi (as in Tai Chi) or Shakti or Prana in the Sanskrit language and many others.

Hawaii suffered the same fate as every other land did when an unbalanced power took over the planet.  The Catholic church spread its woman hating religion through out every nation.  The pagans suffered greatly at the hands of this unbalanced and unethical power called Church.  The last great nation on Earth to suffer this fate was Australia.   The indigenous have had their children stolen and had their culture destroyed by this.  Have faith because there are woman and men who hold culture close and not all is lost here in Australia either.   It may be racist, I am not sure.  But I would encourage indigenous people to once again become strong taking culture back to its rightful place.

Huna king. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In Hawaii fragments of this early culture remain as so with all of the other cultures in other lands,  these are the  fragments from what they tried to destroy.  The culture of Hawaii you see today is not the original culture so don't be fooled by this.  This is akin to saying the Catholic Church is good and the only truth. 

The Pa'ao came and destroyed what was and instilled a new way of life.  Effectively destroying so much original culture because before this time there was "Huna".

The people who practiced the Huna were known as Kahuna, and they practiced these techniques and teachings of the Huna.  They knew that all power and all force emanated from the One, the source of All. 
All life, all energy, which in Hawai'i was called I'o came from one place.   This is the same knowledge that was taught everywhere on the planet in all cultures at that time.  Today we have only fragments to work with,  but the truth is rising to the top like cream on milk and like oil on water.  
I thoroughly believe the Hermetic wisdom is identical to the Huna.  More study may be required to be more definite of this but for all intents and purposes if the Hermetica is truth then so is the Huna.  They are but one and the same wisdom.

I am sorry, Please forgive me, I love you, Thank You.

The chant of Ho'Oponopono is Huna.   I came across this chant because of my broken heart and I was told about this by a friend who was wanting to give me some of the peace she had also found in this learning.  I practiced this enthusiastically and I was remorseful in my heart for my part in the mess.  I gave it back to the source.  I needed  to do this,  as it had become such a mess for everyone. 

This led me on a trip of discovery.   I am still voyaging today, and what a journey it has been for me and my family and those closest to me. 

I am almost certain  there were times that those closest to me thought I could possibly be losing it .  I would make strange left field comments like, "Can you see the grass moving" or " Can you see my coffee table moving".  For me what was happening was I  was seeing past the energy that was holding it all together and I was actually seeing the pieces of energy that were making the table and I was seeing what was under the grass at a molecular level. 

Nothing is ever still.  Nothing on the planet is ever with out motion or movement.  It was not easy for others to see this.  That puzzled me.  If I can see this, why can't they?  Why is it hard for them to perceive this energy?  Truth is, it just does not interest everyone.  Others may see this as a waste of valuable time even.  I see it as quite the opposite and see it as imperative to life lived to its fullest.

I desired to find truth with such a passion.  My ears were so well opened, and even more so it seemed than others' ears.  After all I had a surgical procedure to open my ears up many years ago in Brisbane. This was a procedure where doctors sugically placed grommets in my ears to keep them open. 

I may say this jokingly as I know this was not the real case for the use of grommets.  The operation was very real and I did have this grommet procedure, however  in this case we are speaking about it is purely symbolic of my wanting my ears opened wide. 

My understanding hasn't been tough because of the many years of wading through texts;  medical books, herbals, the bible, ancient writings and eastern religions etc etc.  I was well prepared and ready for this.  I read the dictionary for fun when I was young.  Then at the age of six years I was indoctrinated early to organized religion and packed off to Sunday School.    I loved  to go but the pictures in my bible always frightened me inextricably .    A smile slips onto my face these days remembering the day I first opened my fresh bible I purchased from Simcocks Newsagent.   How much further I have flown since that morning. 

The Ho'Oponopono chant is what motivated  me to writing about this today and so I shall put up a Youtube video with some very healing music and some chants to say.    I thought they were lovely and I would like  to share this with anyone who is interested.  This may help you wherever you are in your life now and with your learning and forgiveness.  Keep it simple, chant it, whisper it, write this down, shout it, sing it.  What ever you feel comfortable doing.

I am sorry, Please forgive me, I love you, Thank You.

 

I chanted Ho'Oponopono for two weeks and felt strength and I felt I could ask my son to be my friend on social media.   I kept chanting Ho'Oponopono and he accepted my feeble request.

I kept chanting and he listened  into my radio show.  I slept much better after this and I have not cried near as much.  I would have to say the creator heard my hearts plea.  Creation understands because creation is the all and the all is all there is and we are a part of the All.

Images @ Eminpee Fotography  Pelicans where I live

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