Cleaning out my Closet

A windmill continually turns and turns and turns.

This song has a long history for me and I have loved it since I first heard this when it was released.   "Cleanin' Out My Closet" is a song by American rapper Eminem from his fourth studio album The Eminem Show (2002).

"Cleanin' Out My Closet" was the second single released off the album.  It talks about childhood relationships with his mother Debbie Mathers.  

It reminded me of my childhood where violence was used endlessly on my body and I was made to feel guilty for walking or even breathing.  I felt guilty about my birth parents for as long as I can remember.  Guilt and shame.  There is no reason for this.  It was the crazy willful thoughts and actions of someone who was well out of their depth with child rearing capabilities (well meaning relatives with zero skill).

I was made to feel this same similar guilt for ever listening to Eminem songs by my children's father who created situations where my son and I would have to hide to listen to his magical raps.  Years later on pondering this, I realize  I decided well when I decided I did not want him to come home ever again.  There was more for me in life in my quest for victory over my circumstances.

With the release of The Marshall Mathers LP 2 in 2013, Eminem apologized to his mother on the track "Headlights". He stated (among other things such as wrongfully mocking her drug problem, regretting that he never let his daughters meet their grandmother) that he cringes when he hears "Cleanin' Out My Closet" on the radio, and that he does not play the song in concert any more.

This song is my middle daughters anthem for hating on her mother.  Pity she didn't work out why Marshall forgave his mother. Progress goes on. The individual must grow and build and repair.

 

Cleaning out my Closet

Where's my snare?
I have no snare in my headphones
there you go
Yeah
yo, yo

Have you ever been hated or discriminated against?
I have, I've been protested and demonstrated against
Picket signs for my wicked rhymes, look at the times
Sick as the mind of the motherfucking kid that's behind
All this commotion emotions run deep as ocean's exploding
Tempers flaring from parents just blow 'em off and keep going
Not taking nothing from no one give 'em hell long as I'm breathing
Keep kicking ass in the morning and taking names in the evening
Leave 'em with a taste as sour as vinegar in they mouth
See they can trigger me, but they'll never figure me out
Look at me now, I bet ya probably sick of me now ain't you momma?
I'mma make you look so ridiculous now

I'm sorry momma!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry, but tonight
I'm cleaning out my closet (one more time)
I said I'm sorry momma!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry, but tonight
I'm cleaning out my closet

Ha! I got some skeletons in my closet
And I don't know if no one knows it
So before they thrown me inside my coffin and close it
I'mma expose it, I'll take you back to '73
Before I ever had a multi-platinum selling CD
I was a baby, maybe I was just a couple of months
My faggot father must have had his panties up in a bunch
'Cause he split, I wonder if he even kissed me goodbye
No I don't. On second thought I just fucking wished he would die
I look at Hailie, and I couldn't picture leaving her side
Even if I hated Kim, I grit my teeth and I'd try
To make it work with her at least for Hailie's sake
I maybe made some mistakes, but I'm only human
but I'm man enough to face them today
What I did was stupid, no doubt it was dumb
But the smartest shit I did was take the bullets outta that gun
'Cause I'da killed him, shit I would've shot Kim and him both
It's my life, I'd like to welcome y'all to "The Eminem Show"

I'm sorry momma!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry, but tonight
I'm cleaning out my closet (one more time)
I said I'm sorry momma!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry, but tonight
I'm cleaning out my closet

Now I would never diss my own momma just to get recognition
Take a second to listen for who you think this record is dissing
But put yourself in my position, just try to envision
Witnessing your momma popping prescription pills in the kitchen
Bitching that someone's always going through her purse and shit's missing
Going through public housing systems, victim of Munchhausen's Syndrome
My whole life I was made to believe I was sick when I wasn't
'Til I grew up, now I blew up, it makes you sick to ya stomach
Doesn't it? Wasn't it the reason you made that CD for me Ma?
So you could try to justify the way you treated me Ma?
But guess what? You're getting older now and it's cold when you're lonely
And Nathan's growing up so quick he's gonna know that you're phony
And Hailie's getting so big now, you should see her, she's beautiful
But you'll never see her, she won't even be at your funeral!
See what hurts me the most is you won't admit you was wrong
Bitch do your song, keep telling yourself that you was a mom!
But how dare you try to take what you didn't help me to get
You selfish bitch, I hope you fucking burn in hell for this shit
Remember when Ronnie died and you said you wished it was me?
Well guess what, I am dead, dead to you as can be!

I'm sorry momma!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry, but tonight
I'm cleaning out my closet (one more time)
I said I'm sorry momma!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry, but tonight
I'm cleaning out my closet.  

Images @ Eminpee Fotography