Dealing with Difficult People

Quantum Jumping
At one time or another we all have to deal with difficult people.

The epitome of difficult -- dealing with my ex husband John B.

The Whiner.  The Victim.  The Steam Roller.  The Know-it-All.  The Cry Baby.  And let’s not forget Sarcastic Sam.

Some difficult people become Masters specializing in just one technique – others do their damage by mixing it up.  No matter what the “technique”, most difficult people have the same goal:  they crave power and control over people and situations.

Additionally, not all difficult people you may have to deal with are difficult all the time.  For that matter, if you’re honest, it is most likely that, with very little thought, you can conjure up a time or two when you were a little difficult to deal with yourself.

No matter whether confronting an “always” difficult Know-it-All boss, or an occasionally Sarcastic Sam (or Samantha) Spouse – you are not defenseless.  The following are a few suggestions for dealing with both full and part-time difficult people.

Don’t Take it Personally

Ironically, one of the most useful techniques is not to become defensive when defending ourselves from the damage difficult people attempt to dish out to us.  Difficult people feed on the energy of our defensiveness.  The more angry or upset we become, the more in control the difficult person feels.

We become defensive when we take things personally.  When we take everything a difficult person is capable of dealing out personally we become frustrated and tend to express our defensiveness via our own negative responses such as anger or perhaps guilt.

The next time you are dealing with a difficult person focus not on how to defend yourself – instead focus on remaining calm.  Remaining calm is a signal to the difficult person that you are not relinquishing control.  It may take quite a few “sessions” – but if this technique is used consistently and repeatedly, the difficult person comes to understand that you are your own person with your own power and do not make it a practice of relinquishing control to others.

Victim (1961 film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Walk a Mile in Their Moccasins

No matter how difficult a person may be, taking a moment to muster a little empathy is huge when it comes to creating positive outcomes when dealing with difficult people.  Don’t be stingy when it comes to making an effort to empathize with a difficult person.

Getting the needs met is important for curing being "DIFFICULT"

Most difficult people are difficult because they have needs that are either not being met or they think aren’t being met.  A sarcastic co-worker who mocks your work may suffer from extreme insecurity.  While you certainly can’t expect difficult people to share their true motivation for being difficult, quite often an empathetic response can help to soften their demeanor towards you.

Take Care of Yourself

Not taking it personally and showing empathy when dealing with difficult people can be very useful.  However, perhaps the most useful technique when dealing with difficult people is creative visualization.  And, while creative visualization may be the last technique mentioned here, it is actually the first technique to employ before attempting not taking a difficult person personally and instead attempt to show them some empathy.

Learning to live with negativity is never easy -- needs unmet.

Difficult people are negative people – and it is important to protect yourself from the negative energy difficult people throw at you.  You not only have a responsibility to attempt to come to a positive resolution with a difficult person, your first responsibility is to respect yourself and protect yourself from their negative energy.  Creative visualization can be a very effective means to do just that.

For instance, the next time you have to deal with your Know-it-All boss visualize yourself placing a bullet (and negativity) proof wall between you.  Starting your day by visualizing yourself surrounded by a protective bubble or aura is also very powerful.  Or perhaps you visualize yourself as King or Queen and are protected by a moat surrounding the thick walls of your castle.

Me and Gary

The very practice of visualizing you are protected from difficult people creates the positive energy necessary to deal with difficult people effectively.

Images @ Eminpee Fotography

FIRO-B & Belbin ... Groups and Teams and the Roles played

While I was researching group dynamics, I found this snippet. I thought to save it for its contemporary stance.  It clearly shows some of the roles people take on in most group situations. 

Pictured below is a bodgy "facebook conversation" showing thesw roles . I have  added the theory behind this further on.

FIRO-B  = Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation-Behaviour

The Trouble Maker
The Bait Taker
The Chime In
The Lazy Activist
The Bro
The Peace Maker
The Embarrassment
The Random Acquaintance
The Thoughtful One

References: The Happy Place

Today I spent all day processing my photos and catching up on a weeks worth of blogs for both this blog and Sentimental Rox. That is a lot of catching up.   I was being a good team member for myself.   As individuals we do this also, that is another subject though.

I was first exposed to "The Roles" in "Groups and Teams", as a subject I studied when doing Community Services Welfare Cert IV.  Incidentally,  I passed with a Distinction.

The personalities of team members influence their team’s effectiveness. Individuals will tend to play a role within the team,  and this will be dependent upon certain personality aspects they harbor. 

People play different roles in groups. People also play multiple roles in groups.
 
If there is some understanding of these "roles" members take on can lead to a much more satisfying and deeper understanding of team effectiveness and team development.

Radha and Lei and Simmo at Gloucester.

Detailed from the PGA Group for Assessing & Developing People for Results

FIRO Team Role	Description
Clarifier	Presents issues or solutions for clarification, summarizes discussion, introduces new members to the team, keeps team members up to date, provides the group with facts and data.
Tension-Reducer	Helps move the team along by joking or clowning at appropriate moments, redirects the group at tense moments, builds on common interests in the group.
Individualist	Is not an active team player, sees meetings as unnecessary or distracting, may work on other tasks or hold side conversations during meetings, may not follow through or cooperate with group decisions.
Director	Pushes for action and decision-making, may interrupt others or monopolize the ‘air-time’ in meetings, may be unrealistically optimistic about what can be accomplished.
Questioner	Seeks orientation and clarification, is a constructive critic of the team and its members, may use questions to postpone closure or decisions.
Rebel	Struggles to establish a position within the group, may criticize others, challenges the status quo, may refuse to comply with group decisions, provides alternative ideas but may have difficulty with follow-through.
Encourager	Builds the ego or status of others, is friendly, responsive, warm, diplomatic, may sacrifice the truth to maintain good relationships.
Listener	Maintains a participatory attitude and interest non verbally, is involved in group goals, shows interest by receptive facial and bodily expressions.
Cautioner	Expresses concern about the direction of the group, relays doubts about the success of initiatives planned, shows reluctance to get swept up in group energy, provides careful analysis of potential problems, may play devil’s advocate.
Initiator	Suggests procedures or problems as discussion topics, proposes alternative solutions, is the ‘idea person,’ actively encourages others to share in discussions.
Energizer	Urges the team toward decision-making, insists on covering the agenda, prods the team to action.
Opinion-Giver	States a belief or opinion on all problems and issues, offers predictions based on past experiences, works independently from the group, does not try to become part of the leader’s inner circle.
Harmonizer	Agrees with the group, reconciles opposing positions, understands, complies, and accepts.
Consensus-Tester	Checks for agreement, brings closure to discussions, confronts unacknowledged feelings in the group, wants to build a close-knit, powerful team.
Task-Master	Tries to keep the group focused on its central purpose and required outcomes, ignores social chitchat, believes that the team members do not have to like each other to do the job, reminds the group that this is business, not a family.

"The Living End's" Double Bass.

Belbin Team-Role	Description
Co-ordinator [Chairman]	Specifies controlling the way in which the team moves towards the group objectives by making the best use of team resources, recognizing where the team’s strengths and weaknesses lie, and ensuring that the best use is made of each team member’s potential.
Shaper [Shaper]	Specifies shaping the way in which team effort is applied, directing attention generally to the setting of objectives and priorities, and seeking to impose some shape or pattern on group discussion and on the outcome of group activities.
Plant [Plant]	Specifies advancing new ideas and strategies with special attention to major issues, and looking for possible breaks in approach to the problems which confront the team.
Implementer [Company Worker]	Specifies turning concepts and plans into practical working procedures, and carrying out agreed plans systematically and efficiently.
Teamworker [Team Worker]	Specifies supporting members in their strengths (e.g. building on suggestions), underpinning members in their shortcomings, improving communications between members and fostering team spirit generally.
Monitor Evaluator [Monitor-Evaluator]	Specifies analysing problems, and evaluating ideas and suggestions so that the team is better placed to take balanced decisions.
Resource Investigator [Resource Investigator]	Specifies exploring and reporting on ideas, developments and resources outside the group, creating external contacts that may be useful to the team and conducting any subsequent negotiations.
Completer Finisher [Completer-Finisher]	Specifies ensuring that the team is protected as far as possible from mistakes of both commission and omission, actively searching for aspects of work which need a more than usual degree of attention, and maintaining a sense of urgency within the team.
Specialist	New team-role added to the original taxonomy. The Specialist provides knowledge and skills in rare supply. Single-minded, self-starting, dedicated. Contributes only on a narrow front. Dwells on technicalities.

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Task roles, maintenance roles and hindering roles are all important roles for facilitators to be aware of and recognize.

Task Roles  - By Ann Porteus

 

Task roles refer to the actions of individuals that help move the project, decision, task along.

Initiating

• What: Proposing task or goals; defining a group problem; suggesting procedure or ideas for getting the task accomplished.
  
  
• When: At the beginning of a meeting, when the meeting bogs down, or when the group needs direction or new direction.
  
  
• How: Define the task; suggest a method or process for accomplishing the task; provide a structure for the meeting.
  "It seems like we are being asked to ...",
  "Does it seem like a good idea to begin by...?"
  

Information or Opinion Seeking

• What: Requesting facts; seeking relevant information about a question or concern; asking for suggestions, ideas or opinions.
  
  
• When: Problem solving, decision making, action planning, group discussion.
  
  
• How: Ask for more facts; collect data; seek individual opinions, ideas and suggestions. "What are the likely solutions?",
  "Mary, what do you think of that idea?",
  "What else do we need to know before we can proceed?"

Clarifying 

• What: Interpreting or reflecting ideas and suggestions; clearing up conclusions; indicating alternatives and issues before the group; giving examples, defining terms.
  
  
• When: Any time the group discussion becomes too vague, too general or lacks focus; when a lot of information has been put out.
  
  
• How: Ask for clarification of an example; build on the ideas of others; clarify an idea based on your understanding; try to develop timid suggestions and half stated ideas into fully developed possibilities. "What I think I hear you saying is ___",
  "Robert, can you explain your idea a bit more,"
  "Cecilia, do you see how that idea relates to what Luis said earlier?"
  

Summarizing

• What: Pulling together related ideas; restating suggestions after the group has discussed them; offering a decision or conclusion for the group to accept or reject.
  
  
• When: At each transition in the meeting, when many different ideas or proposals are being considered, when the group gets off track; at the end of a meeting/ discussion.
  
  
• How: Restate the points, decisions, action plans or common themes of the discussion; remind the group of the process or method being used. "Let's take a minute to look at the main themes that are arising in our discussion"
  "It looks like the main points being raised are ___"
  "Remember that each person needs to offer a suggestion before we begin an open discussion."
  

Consensus Testing

• What: Checking with the group to see how much agreement has been reached and how ready the group members are to consider a decision.
  
  
• When: Problem solving, decision making, action planning.
  
  
• How: Poll the group on an issue or decision to determine whether a consensus already exists. "Are there any objections to using creative brainstorming to identify potential solutions for our problem?"
  "Is there agreement that...?"

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Maintenance Roles

Maintenance roles refer to the actions of individuals that help preserve the relationships in a group.

Encouraging

• What: Being friendly, warm, and responsive to others; accepting others and their contributions; regarding others by giving them an opportunity to contribute or be recognized.
  
  
• When: Regularly.
  
  
• How: Give recognition for contributions to the group, point out the accomplishments of the group. "That was a really good suggestion, Chris. Thanks."
  "We have accomplished a lot today. Thanks."
  

Harmonizing

• What: Attempting to reconcile disagreements; reducing tension, getting people to explore their differences.
  
  
• When: When the group cannot reach consensus, when conflict of ideas, opinions or personality is preventing progress.
  
  
• How: Articulate the common elements in conflicting points of view. "What can we do to get you to support this? What can we all agree on?"
  "We seem to be stuck. What can we do to move the discussion along?"
  

Expressing Group Feelings

• What: Sensing feelings, mood, relationships within the group; sharing one's own feelings with other members.
  
  
• When: When the group is having trouble making a decision, when you sense a conflict in the group, as a check-in to see how the group is doing.
  
  
• How: Verbalizing what you see as the feelings, mood, tension in the group. Openly acknowledging your own feelings about what is going on in the group. "I am sensing that there is some tension in the room. does anyone else feel it?"
  "It seems like some people have withdrawn from this discussion. Is that something we need to discuss?"

Gatekeeping

• What: Helping to keep communication channels open: facilitating the participation of others, suggesting procedures that permit sharing remarks.
  
  
• When: Whenever you want to hear from the more silent members of the group, whenever you want to prevent a participant from dominating the discussion.
  
  
• How: Ask an individual for their opinions or the information; be sensitive to the non-verbal signals indicating that people want to participate; when a person monopolizes the conversation, ask others for input "Jeff, did you want to share something?"
  "Thanks for your input, Robin. I would like to know what the rest of you think."
  

Compromising

• What: When your own ideas or status is involved in a conflict, offering a compromise which yields status; admitting error, modifying ideas in interest of group cohesion or growth.
  
  
• When: When the group is stuck, when trying to make a decision and there are opposing views.
  
  
• How: Offering suggestions for getting unstuck; asking the group members to figure out a compromise. "I guess this method may not be the best for accomplishing this task. Shall we try Kim's idea?"
  "I feel like we are stuck with two opposing views, what can we do to reach a compromise?"
  

Standard Setting and Testing

• What: Checking whether the group is satisfied with its procedures; suggesting new procedures when necessary.
  
  
• When: When the group first meets together, whenever the norms that are developing prevent the group from functioning effectively.
  
  
• How: Help group define its ground rules; remind group of the standards they established for themselves anytime when those rules are ignored or broken. "How do we want to operate as a group?"
  "Seems like our ground rules have been forgotten. Should we take a few minutes and revisit them?"
  "I just want to remind you of the ground rules we set up in the beginning."
  

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Hindering Roles

Hindering roles refer to actions of individuals that hinder the group's process and progress.

Dominating

• Behavior: Asserting authority or superiority to manipulate the group or certain members; interrupting contributions of others; controlling through use of flattery or patronization.
  
  
• Solution: Establish a procedure whereby each person contributes one idea to the discussion and then must wait until every other group member does the same before contributing again; interrupt the dominator, ask him/her to summarize the point quickly so that others can add their ideas, too. "Thank you for giving us all those ideas, Erin. Let's hear from others in the group now."
  

Withdrawing

• Behavior: Removing self psychologically or physically from the group; not talking; answering questions only briefly.
  
  
• Solution: Do not let conflicts remain unresolved; talk with the person privately to find out what is happening; direct questions to and solicit ideas from the avoider so this person stays involved. "Carol, I have noticed that you haven't been as involved in the group lately. Is everything O.K.?"
  

Degrading

• Behavior: Putting down others' ideas and suggestions; deflating others' status; joking in a barbed or sarcastic way.
  
  
• Solution: When your group first gets together, review your contract and ground rules with them, highlighting the rule that all ideas will be accepted; the first time someone criticizes another person, reinforce this rule. "You have a point, but we need to solve our problem, not attack each other's ideas."
  

Uncoooperative

• Behavior: Disagreeing and opposing ideas; resisting stubbornly the group's wishes for personally oriented reasons; using hidden agenda to thwart group progress.
  
  
• Solution: Incorporate statements in the original guidelines that deal with cooperation and interruptions, encourage this person to explain reasons behind his/her objection; look for any aspect of the position that supports the group's ideas so that this person moves from left to center field; refocus his/her participation as a recorder or process observer; ask the group to deal with this uncooperative behavior. "It seems like we may be forgetting the ground rules we set up as a group. Should we take a few minutes to revisit them now?" "Sandy, that is an interesting view. Could you explain how you came to those conclusions?"
  

Side Conversations

• Behavior: Whispering, giggling and having private side conversations with another person.
  
  
• Solution: Set guidelines and expectations at the beginning of the meeting, stop the meeting and ask those involved in the side conversation to share what they are talking about with the group, stop the meeting and comment that it is difficult for you to hear the other discussion or to concentrate on the topic at hand with side conversations occurring; privately talk with the distracters and discuss their expectations for the meeting's topics; empower others to confront the distracters with how these side conversations keep everyone from concentrating on the group's discussion. "I am having trouble focusing on the discussion with the side conversations going on. Is anyone else experiencing this?"
  "It is difficult to focus on the discussion with side conversations going on. Can we agree that we will all focus on the main discussion?"
  
  "I sense we are losing people's attention and interest, can we do a check-in to see where people are on this topic?"

___________________________________________________________________________

From my own experience of life and being a person who has sat on many committees and participated fully in all areas in many organizations over the years of my life, namely Football, and The Soup Kitchen to name two from the past.  More recent I joined in with a group of people who are united with Lock the Gate Alliance and this suits me as it is a apolitical group.

At any Blockade, Group, Meeting or team setting there will be people who take on roles such as those outlined above. This is common and it is very clear and evident to the initiated that it is occurring. 

Each morning and evening there were meetings and the roles were out in full force.  The name "Simmo" came from one such instance of hilarity when Peter Simmons was being the JOKER and said everyone could just be 'Simmo'. 

The next morning when the police arrived there were 'Simmo' badges worn by many of the protectors showing this to the world.   Proof that what happens in a group can be taken up and action happens just like that.  I still think Peter Simmons was just the man for this job.

I remember when a video was being played one evening and I was staggered at the groups opinion on how the indigenous of this country were handling the Mining issue,  there was no understanding of the "Sell Out" Aboriginal man who was doing the dirty work for the government.  I was so saddened that I left the group,  that is not helpful.  I realized this later on.  During the time it was happening I was acting on emotion.

Glenugie Group Meeting in the early morning.

 Images @ Eminpee Fotography

"Feed the people NOW" - Why?

Because soon, they are going to  be very very hungry. . .
This is what Deity said to my spirit.   
Deity has since told me that it isn't over yet.  Clearly and concisely, "It is not over Yet".

On the microphone in Gloucester

There is a large volume of work to do on the planet,  the ancestors are calling us to account now.  Get up and get out there and do this because as Vee always says, " WE ARE THE ONLY RESCUE TEAM" 

So what does this still mean? 
What did it really mean then?

Conscious talk / listening / communication as opposed to unconscious talk / listening /communication & how to become more conscious and aware.

Ancestral beings contact us on many levels,  dreams, symbolism, Animals and birds and even trees convey wisdom into our psyche and of course there is the Akasha where everything is.  I like to tap into that great source because it is the collective thought of everything that ever was.

Have you ever noticed that you can talk because you choose to.   You think  what you are saying is relevant, important or enjoyable to say or share.   There are other times your mind and emotions just run off like a teenager at a shopping mall  and all your feeling is in  words without you even being aware of it  like emotions spilling out of your mouth!
 
Dealing with large mining companies who are killing our planet I tend to start on my soap box and it is very hard to get me down off of it. 

I will stand and defend our planet until my dying breath.   I just wish I had known all of these years ago that others felt the same as I was feeling. 

I would have formed a movement.  Someone did form a movement in Bellingen.  The Environment Centre is a movement as such, and it is beautiful.  It is indeed a credit to the people who built this. 

I wish I had known more about the Centre from its inception.  It seemed to me like it was people who didn't know me and therefore I was not apart of this, sadly I was probably very wrong.  I am the one who missed out.  I was always fearful.  Frightened I never had what it was they expected me to have.  I was indeed very damaged by the past.

Now I have been into this centre.   It is a credit, it is a piece of absolute love work.

Images @ Eminpee Fotography