Greiving from Rejection

Yes you can grieve from this and this is the range of emotions you may feel as a result.

Dawn on the first day of February 2013  in Urunga NSW

"Relationship between two persons should be like the relationship between the hand and the eye. If the hand gets hurt, the eye cries, and if the eye cries the hand wipes its tear."

Grief is a very personal thing and there is no right or wrong way to react.When you lose the love of your children, you may have a range of feelings from numbness, to feeling separate from the situation, to anger and distress.

It can be very hard to clear your head to think about anything else. You are likely to feel in a daze. You may feel that you are going through a roller coaster of emotions.

These feelings are common as part of the grief process. Grief is a very natural response to the loss of people very important to us. There is no wrong or right way to feel when your children reject you. Everyone is different.

Most people will go through a range of emotions. There are several stages that people may go through. There are no hard and fast rules to this, of course. You will go through your own grief in your own way. But it can be reassuring to know that others may feel similar things. You may go through some or all of the stages. They do not necessarily happen in the order they are written here. The main thing to remember is there is no right way to grieve.

 Denial and shock

At first, some people may find it very hard to accept or understand the loss and rejection. Some feel so shocked that they can't accept that the person has gone away, and even deny it is true. This feeling usually passes, as they start to talk to other people about the loss. Some people dream that the person they love is still around . Or they may walk into a room and think they've seen them. Some people find this disturbing. It seems to happen because of the desire to want to see the person again and memories are triggered.

Anger

The most common question people ask during this stage is why? You may think it unfair that someone close to you has stopped loving you. This can make you feel very angry with everything and everyone. It’s not unusual to feel angry with the person who has left you behind, for leaving you. Again, this stage will pass, so don’t think that you will always feel like this.

Bargaining

When someone close to you stops loving you,  you may have thoughts such as 'If I give up this part of my life that I enjoy so much, or become a better person, I could bring back the person who left. This is called bargaining. Although it is unrealistic, it is a very natural part of grieving.

Guilt

You may find yourself feeling guilty for not doing certain things with your kids before they stopped loving you. Or remembering all the times you felt you did or said the wrong thing to them. Don’t feel bad about these things. Everyone has times where they upset someone and it is a natural part of life. So it is OK to let those feelings go.

Depression

Many people may feel very sad for some time after their children reject them. Depression is not sadness. It is a much more intense feeling. It is more debilitating and you may feel that you can’t be bothered with everyday things such as eating, sleeping, hygiene, social activities and work. You may feel that there is nothing worth living for, now someone who you loved doesn't love you anymore.
It is natural to feel depressed for some time after the loss of a son so close to you. But if these feelings continue for several months, you may need help. You may have changes in your mood and feel isolated. Other common symptoms of depression are

• Loss of interest in seeing friends and family
• Difficulty getting to sleep
• Waking in the early hours of the morning
• Poor appetite
• Lack of enthusiasm
• Difficulty concentrating, making decisions and remembering things.

Loneliness

During this stage people can feel very lonely and frightened. You miss having the kids near to talk to and share your life with. It can be very hard but trying to share more of your emotions with others close to you will help lessen these feelings.

Acceptance

This stage does not always mean you will feel happy again. But it does mean you will begin to accept that you need to try to cope with the rejection and loss of your children. Most people who have lost their kids say that they never fully get over it. They just find a way to cope with it. And they can enjoy things in their life again and feel that life is worth living. Hearing this his can sometimes be a relief to people who are going through the stormier stages of grief.

Hope

Everyone reaches this point at different times. But you will eventually be able to think about  your son and daughter and it won’t be as painful. You will start to feel like planning ahead and looking forward to more good times. This doesn’t mean in any way that you have less feeling for the kids. So try not to feel guilty about wanting to eventually get on with your life. You will always remember and love them for what small part you did  share together. And  you can hope they don’t want your life to come to a standstill or for you to feel sad.

How long grief lasts

How long people grieve for is a very individual thing. It may be months or even years. But it won’t always be so intense. Don’t worry if you still feel very strong emotions months after the  rejection of your children. The first Christmas and birthdays of your daughter and then your son  after their departure are usually very upsetting.

Give yourself time to heal. The most important part of healing is to acknowledge that you are grieving. Two things that help the most with grief are time and support. You can't force yourself to feel better. It is important that you grieve for your children and allow yourself to feel the way you do. Here are some suggestions that may help

• Don’t try to fight your feelings - allow time for your thoughts and feelings, both positive and negative
• Talk to someone you trust about why your children left and how you are feeling
• Don’t be afraid to cry a lot - crying is an important part of grief and will give you a release
• Remember to take care of yourself - eat well, get plenty of rest and some exercise
• Some people find it helps to write down how they are feeling or about their lost children.
• Some people find it helps to go to a support group and talk to others who have also lost their children
• Be patient with yourself, it will take time and some days will be easier than others

If at any time you feel everything is just too much see your GP. They may suggest you get some grief counselling. Or you may find it useful to contact an organisation that offers support and advice to people in this situation.

Dawn is a very symbolic time of a new beginning.  I greet the dawn with new hope everyday that my grief will pass on and that during this time I will learn more and more about me.  For this opportunity I am very grateful.  Not everyone gets such an opening for self examination and reflection.  The Universe provides everything in perfect timing and in this I must trust.   Namaste . .
Images @ Melonpopzdropz Flickr

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